NY Metro Focusing
September 27, 2015
Meeting Notes
We are pleased to share with you notes from the September 27, 2015 meeting of New York Metro Focusing. Nearly 40 people attended Charles Herr’s program, “The Jackal Meets the Body: Crossing Focusing and Nonviolent Communication.”
Charles guided us through a series of exercises. The exercises involved returning mentally to a situation, writing down how it felt, then, if we wished, sharing what came with the group. Charles’ comments after the sharing highlighted the particular area of NVC addressed by each exercise. The pace felt unhurried, with time for each person to feel heard by the group.
First exercise: “Jackal Show” We were asked to describe a person whom we find annoying and encouraged to be as critical as we wished. One attendee felt an unpleasant sense of tightness, but another found the cartoon-like quality of her description enjoyable. Another found that after writing about how terrible her annoying person was, she could then acknowledge good things about him.
According to Charles, the jackal helps us to get in touch with our needs. The jackal’s energy can be felt in the body in a felt sensing way. Jackal and giraffe are two universes. They feel different, but, like magic, under the jackal are feelings and needs, and when we contact them and connect on that level, something shifts. The jackal puts blame and responsibility on the other person. Even rewards are coercive in the jackal universe. In the giraffe universe, each participant in a conflict takes responsibility. Everyone’s needs are important. The goal is to meet everyone’s needs to the extent possible, finding a solution that isn’t a compromise. Actions are taken for the pleasure of giving from the heart, rather than to get a reward.
Second exercise: We were asked to visualize a situation, real or imagined, in which a particular need was not met and then to write what that feels like in the body. Then we were asked to think of a situation in which that same need was met and to write about how that feels in the body. The attendees reported, when a need was not met, sensations of constriction in the body; when imagining that the same need was met, there was a sense of lightness, unfettered, higher energy, warmth, an eagerness to move, to dance to inner music.
According to Charles, needs are life energy, not something abstract. To connect with our needs, even when these needs are unmet, opens something within us and we can experience a shift. In focusing, finding precise words that will match the felt sense can bring a carrying forward. In NVC, connecting to the energy of needs can bring a carrying forward. To assist in finding words to describe feelings and related needs, NVC often uses a sheet listing different feelings and needs. Focusing can lead to even greater precision.
Third exercise: We were asked to think of something someone said that was difficult to hear, to write exactly what the person said, to locate our response on a scale that ran from rage at one end to compassion at the other end, and to list the feelings that arose in response to the statement and the unmet needs.
According to Charles, feelings point us to our needs. This was an exercise in self empathy, to understand why it was hard to hear what the person said. After you have enough empathy, it may be possible to guess what the other person was feeling and needing when they said what they did. But when someone has hurt you, you need empathy first for yourself. If you don’t feel ready to consider their feeling and needs, you need to give yourself more empathy. If we were to do this exercise before a focusing session, the focusing would be different. The inner giraffe facilitates the focusing process by making the connection to feelings and needs. Evaluating whether a situation or interaction is meeting our needs is different than a judgmental jackal reaction. While in Giraffe, we may experience grief and mourning in connection with situations or relationships that do not meet our needs.
An attendee pointed out that understanding the feelings and needs of the other was insufficient. We might still want their behavior to change. Charles agreed and noted that he had limited the program because of time. There is another area of NVC, requests and strategies, which could be the subject of another program.
Larry and Charles asked the attendees to sense inside and see whether they felt different from when the program began. Attendees spoke about a greater awareness of the value of space, both internal space and the other person’s space and about the importance of learning to listen to one another and to experience living forward through listening. Some reported shifts in how they felt about another person or a situation. Larry concluded by reminding us of our theme for 2015, conflict and conflict resolution, which can lead to greater connection.
SAVE THE DATES FOR UPCOMING NYMF MEETINGS
Sunday, December 6, 2015: 4:30 7:00 pm – Joan Lavender: The Creation of an Experiential Environment
Sunday, January 31: 4:30 – 7:00 p.m.
Friday, April 1: 6:30 – 9:00 p.m.
Friday, June 10: 6:30 – 9:00.
Friday, September 30: 6:30 – 9:00.
Sunday, December 4: 4:30 – 7:00.
September 27, 2015
Meeting Notes
We are pleased to share with you notes from the September 27, 2015 meeting of New York Metro Focusing. Nearly 40 people attended Charles Herr’s program, “The Jackal Meets the Body: Crossing Focusing and Nonviolent Communication.”
Charles guided us through a series of exercises. The exercises involved returning mentally to a situation, writing down how it felt, then, if we wished, sharing what came with the group. Charles’ comments after the sharing highlighted the particular area of NVC addressed by each exercise. The pace felt unhurried, with time for each person to feel heard by the group.
First exercise: “Jackal Show” We were asked to describe a person whom we find annoying and encouraged to be as critical as we wished. One attendee felt an unpleasant sense of tightness, but another found the cartoon-like quality of her description enjoyable. Another found that after writing about how terrible her annoying person was, she could then acknowledge good things about him.
According to Charles, the jackal helps us to get in touch with our needs. The jackal’s energy can be felt in the body in a felt sensing way. Jackal and giraffe are two universes. They feel different, but, like magic, under the jackal are feelings and needs, and when we contact them and connect on that level, something shifts. The jackal puts blame and responsibility on the other person. Even rewards are coercive in the jackal universe. In the giraffe universe, each participant in a conflict takes responsibility. Everyone’s needs are important. The goal is to meet everyone’s needs to the extent possible, finding a solution that isn’t a compromise. Actions are taken for the pleasure of giving from the heart, rather than to get a reward.
Second exercise: We were asked to visualize a situation, real or imagined, in which a particular need was not met and then to write what that feels like in the body. Then we were asked to think of a situation in which that same need was met and to write about how that feels in the body. The attendees reported, when a need was not met, sensations of constriction in the body; when imagining that the same need was met, there was a sense of lightness, unfettered, higher energy, warmth, an eagerness to move, to dance to inner music.
According to Charles, needs are life energy, not something abstract. To connect with our needs, even when these needs are unmet, opens something within us and we can experience a shift. In focusing, finding precise words that will match the felt sense can bring a carrying forward. In NVC, connecting to the energy of needs can bring a carrying forward. To assist in finding words to describe feelings and related needs, NVC often uses a sheet listing different feelings and needs. Focusing can lead to even greater precision.
Third exercise: We were asked to think of something someone said that was difficult to hear, to write exactly what the person said, to locate our response on a scale that ran from rage at one end to compassion at the other end, and to list the feelings that arose in response to the statement and the unmet needs.
According to Charles, feelings point us to our needs. This was an exercise in self empathy, to understand why it was hard to hear what the person said. After you have enough empathy, it may be possible to guess what the other person was feeling and needing when they said what they did. But when someone has hurt you, you need empathy first for yourself. If you don’t feel ready to consider their feeling and needs, you need to give yourself more empathy. If we were to do this exercise before a focusing session, the focusing would be different. The inner giraffe facilitates the focusing process by making the connection to feelings and needs. Evaluating whether a situation or interaction is meeting our needs is different than a judgmental jackal reaction. While in Giraffe, we may experience grief and mourning in connection with situations or relationships that do not meet our needs.
An attendee pointed out that understanding the feelings and needs of the other was insufficient. We might still want their behavior to change. Charles agreed and noted that he had limited the program because of time. There is another area of NVC, requests and strategies, which could be the subject of another program.
Larry and Charles asked the attendees to sense inside and see whether they felt different from when the program began. Attendees spoke about a greater awareness of the value of space, both internal space and the other person’s space and about the importance of learning to listen to one another and to experience living forward through listening. Some reported shifts in how they felt about another person or a situation. Larry concluded by reminding us of our theme for 2015, conflict and conflict resolution, which can lead to greater connection.
SAVE THE DATES FOR UPCOMING NYMF MEETINGS
Sunday, December 6, 2015: 4:30 7:00 pm – Joan Lavender: The Creation of an Experiential Environment
Sunday, January 31: 4:30 – 7:00 p.m.
Friday, April 1: 6:30 – 9:00 p.m.
Friday, June 10: 6:30 – 9:00.
Friday, September 30: 6:30 – 9:00.
Sunday, December 4: 4:30 – 7:00.